OUT OF THE CLOSET OR JUST A OUTSIDER ?

As a gay man living abroad im used to the term “outsider” my whole life, in my birth country being openly gay (at least in my time) was a big no no, so most of the times I was part of a group but they weren’t part of me as my admission in such groups was just a lie, my way to not be excluded, but even that didn’t help because just made me the weirdest member, the one that never talk dirty about the girls, the one that always feel uncomfortable around naked guys, in a way I was just a bad liar, but because im not the kind of guy you can spot as your stereotyped gay guy, was always difficult for others guess that my weirdness has a name call homosexuality.

Different from the gay people on this country that have been enjoying sexual freedom for a longer period of time than my generation had ( at least in my country ) i had two different experiences about it ,one was at home ,where I was extremely fortunate to have a loving caring family that was also open mind and the real life outside where I needed to lie in the daily basis ! Brazil got this difficult to understand hypocritical behaviour where you can display a girl’s ass on national tv or be extremely promiscuous but be gay can generate so many different reactions all cause by ignorance, religion and our Latin culture where a man should be a macho man that don’t respect their women and can’t keep his thing in their pants (I’ve been out with some of those married with kids “macho man” and I can tell they are not that macho as it says on the label)

So when I was around 23 years old tired of lying at work and been target of predatory women (that was the worse part, in Brazil the have this thing that if a woman hit on you, you not suppose to reject her because fat, ugly or whatever a pussy is a pussy and man like it, doest matter what comes attached with) i finally decided to make a old childhood dream comes true, I was going to London, land of the queen, the beautiful accent and where gays are actually consider normal people.

When I finally wasn’t the gay outsider anymore I became the foreigner outsider or how some people say “second class citizen” is kind alike being gay in Brazil, nobody will say in your face how against they are, or try to go to internet to understand what is all about, but they will make comments in your back about AIDS and how much we enjoy feces (I know sounds disgusting but there is actually people how think that way just for pure prejudice, ignorance or are too terrify to just go and read about it)

Over here was different, because in Brazil I could get the job or get what I want without restrictions as long I play the straight card, but here how can I hide my accent? so for make local friends, get the job I wanted I needed to do double the effort just because some people had a pre-concept idea about who i am using the little and wrong knowledge they had about where im coming from.

Of course when you deal with intellectual well travelled people they already know that if you are from Brazil it doesn’t mean you are poor educated or speak Spanish as first language, but when you start in a new country those people exist only in the other side of the counter where you gonna be serving coffee until you became smart enough to break free these “welcome to reality rituals” of a first world new country.

So, that was me working side to side with all kind of cultural, religion and educational background people of Europe and the world, very interesting and I definitely learned a lot from those experiences but I also learned that inside of those premises it wasn’t exactly ruled by the British culture but for a bunch of straight ignorant Spanish, polish, Italian, Brazilian guys who came to this country for the only purpose to make money and keep those minds well closed to any other lifestyle besides their own.

For me was like has been brought back to Brazil, but this time even worse because at least over there I was consider a real citizen and working in a suit exercising my brain not cover in mustard and smelling burned coffee standing up like a robot for 8 hours a day dealing with stupid co-worker and serving costumers that remind myself not long time ago.

Now I understand why immigration is always something related to the young population, because moving to a different country is not only about learn a different language, is about adapt to a new culture, new way to do everything, from the way you cross street to the way you take shower, is so much information that for you get in the point where everything starts to be easy and natural it takes a long period of trial, where you are pushed to the limits of your strength, especially if you come from a privileged background.

From a huge group of Brazilians trying their life over here I am one of the very few left, for most of my friends the weather, the hard work and the depressing mood brought by the winter was too much to bare, and like a lot of things in life it need to get bad before it gets better and im happy i did stick through all the ugly because now I can see things in a different perspective and I definitely became a better person and now when I go to a restaurant I know how much hard work is evolved and I take my time to show my appreciation (as I worked in all positions in a restaurant, from cleaning, washing plates to serving tables)

My outside condition brought me some fun times too, at least in the beginning, my Italian looks and my Brazilian accent maybe didn’t open some doors but definitely opened something else (sorry is a bad joke but I couldn’t help it! lol ) but even that can make you tired because people start to see you as their fantasy stereotype and in some point you going to spoil their dreams, because like Madonna once said : “Satin sheets are very romantic what happens when you’re not in bed”

Some people comes here and stay for decades and never improve their English or their understanding of this new culture and back home taking no much besides money and with their “Europe adventure dreams” smashed by the reality of it, I learned myself that the only way for you be treated as inferior is if you feel like one.

People really can smell it how you feel about yourself and will definitely respond to that, I change my life around from the moment that I stop to say sorry because I don’t fit in and started to stand up for myself. There is nothing you can do it about other people ignorance, but there is about how you react to that.

Be different makes you see the world in a different perspective, makes you respect other people differences and gives you a advantage point of view that can really makes you stands out from the crowd! This world was build from people who dared to be different than everybody else.

Steve Cavalcanti

no one can make you feel inferior without your consent

Eleanor Roosevelt

TAKING THE RISK AND THE CONSEQUENCES OF IT

“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.” Andre Gide

Risk, how often you got the courage to take it? I always lived by the philosophy that you will regret what you didn’t live and that is the way I lived my life, fearless and living the situations from the beginning to the end, good or bad I did, the result is that I probably had lived and experimented more emotions and life experiences than most people in my age, no doubt I had great joys, but also I did experimented

some unpleasant ones.

From my very beginning I learned that if you take the risk you may be rewarded, sometimes I was, sometimes I wasn’t and most of time exactly like a drug I did for the thrill, and when I say risk, is not life risk (don’t get me wrong) was more Rollercoaster where you know you protected with the sit belt, but that doesn’t seams to count when you are upside down screaming like you going to die and leave the Park cover in your own vomit.

But there is a moment in life (the one im

going through right now) that you

start to r

ealize

that sometimes step back it takes even more courage than go for it, especially when you start to understand that is a pattern in there, where the situations may be different but yourbehavior is not.

“Take calculated risks. That is quite different from being rash.” General George S. Patton

Back in 2001 I was in Brazil living with my mom, not worrying about a thing, with nice paid job in a reception of a five stars hotel, life was secure but boring, I wanted to travel the world, improve my English and making a world sex research (lol), one day when I was extremely bored I bought a airplane ticket in one day and travel to London in the next, with no guide of the city and only 3 days paid on a small Hilton in Piccadilly, I wanted a adventure and sure I had it, not exactly the one we picture in our mind when we think about it ! I forgot that with the adventure come rent, bills and horrible stupid servant jobs to keep up with the high life cost of one of the most expensive cities in the world.

But sure it all worth it, otherwise I wouldn’t still be here, but then in the end of 2003 when I had almost everything figure out love brought me back to Brazil, the love of my life (also from Brazil) decide back to our country and even that wasn’t my desire i follow (because I always thought that I would regret being here and let him goes away) I did, but my frustration for not being here anymore fuck it up my relationship over there.

So in the end of 2005 I was back to England, with new hopes, some bruises and no regrets and a brand new relationship, thinking that yes I could done more, but at least I took the risk and unfortunately didn’t pay off, but hey life need to go on and I was trying to show the world I learned something from it, but unfortunately I did the same mistake over again, going to live in Gran Canaria for almost a year and hating ever single minute! Here we gooo, back to London, single and re-starting my life all over again likes a broken record (like they say “First time shame on you, second time shame on me)

Most of my life I kind of negligent myself and kept drifting myself away with other people dreams, thinking that maybe with some love their dreams it will become mine and some of my love carrying it will become their, but it doesn’t work that way, nobody can complete you, we are already born complete and worse than feel uncompleted is feel uncompleted with someone next to you. It took me 16 years to finally enjoy my own company, to difference love from good sex and that love sacrifices can be a beautiful thing but is a two ways street, if you are the only one doing it ,you just have yourself to blame.

Life is not a chick flick, adventure doesn’t come without a cost and love is not a bullet proof bubble, if you turn your back to your own desires and dreams they will back to hunt you and quick your ass. Is easy make mistakes and starting over again when you are young and full of energy to do all over again, but after some point you get stuck in a time machine that keep rewinding and even the movie is great is some point you just want to jump to the next chapter and hope for a happy ending !

One of my favorites quotations (don’t know who wrote it) is : “ Learn from other people mistakes because you won’t live long enough to commit all of mistakes”