I just turned 36 on February 7 past and I was going through my old pictures and decided put them next to the new ones, when I realised how much I changed, don't take me wrong, besides few things ( there is always be something wrong doesn't matter the age ) im pretty much happy the way I look right now, but my face definitely changed, not because of wrinkles or anything age related, it just changed, my features got stronger, and when they said the eyes are the window of the soul, they were right, was amazing for me to compare my eyes expression back in the day and now and how much of my personality is in there.I was one of those people that take longer to develop, not only physically but also mentally and emotionally, in some way was like I was ageing slower than the rest ( please don't take that literally ) I was the younger over protected child of a strong woman bla bla, it seams the same formula that in straight minds creates faggots also create retards children ( lol ).Even getting out of the closet it wasn't a big deal for my family,but it was kind for me, in my teenagers years I was extremely shy ,part I guess because of a series of treatments for Ashma left me looking like a inflatable balloon and I guess that it wasn't exactly a burst to my self confidence.
So when I reached 18 and from one day to another people started to treat me differently, not because of my personality ( or lack of it ) but because not having my monthly shots anymore, me and everybody else could see the real me that was underneath the bubble, and so chocking as it was for everybody I was finally a attractive person, but as the beauty is in the eye of the be holder it wasn't in my brain,and didn't matter how much complements I received my self image was kept pretty low.
When I was around 23 I was living with my mom ,who I love but which has a personality that in nature terms equals a living Tisunami( and not really leaves any room for anyone else personality ) I was emotionally needy and sexually exploring but not really to please me but to please someone else in the hope to find love ( and I looked in all the wrong places )
I knew that was something missing in my life, and that thing was me, I was always so worry to please my mom, to please anyone that could show some affection that I never really knew what I wanted, the only dream I always had was to travel the world, going to America or UK and speak the language that I enjoyed since I was 7 and asked for my mother's best friend to teach me few words: English.
It was funny now to realise that learning the language was probably the least of what I truly end up learning here,the mom's boy finally learned to do his own bed, to do his laundry,to feed himself and to stop mooning because there wasn't nobody with compassion for my poor little foreigner baby situation, like they say we never learn in happiness, and I worked for the money and earned self respect.
With time I learned that I wasn't “useless” or “stupid” like people in my youth made me believe I was ,i learned that im definitely not Brad Pitt but I do look good (or like people start to say : you look great “for your age” lol )from the moment that I started to exercise my butt for myself, that I started to say what I want to say and not what people expect me to say that was the moment that I finally found who I am.
So, it happen quite often people come to me when they see one of the thousands of pictures of myself and ask “Uh you love yourself uh ?” like it is a bad thing, you know what ? Yessss,i absolutely love myself,and if I look good today is because I bulded this love back in the time that my looks didn't get as much attention, there really something really wrong of people pespective of what it is love yourself, so you drink your ass off, you eat at McDonalds very often and burn your lungs with cigarrenttes and I should feell ashamed because I look cute in a picture and you not anymore? If I look proud of the way I look it is because I am.
The necessity to tick so many requirements when you basically not even develop your own personality can be a disastrous thing that for some people can endure a painful memory that age just can make worse. I considerer myself one of the lucky ones, I put my mind on rest and today I finally became the person that my teenager self just dreamed to be,before I didn't fit in the way society wanted me to be and now when I finally could I don't even bother, because im nobody's bitch but mine own.
And like RuPaul always say:“If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” can I get an amen here ?
this song lyrics could be the story of my life ! lol
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