WHEN WHAT PEOPLE SEE IS NOT WHAT YOU GET

Hello guys and girls, so since the last time i was here i was away from the gym with a problem with my hands and about to go to Brazil, since then lots happen so i can't say here,but the important thing is that my hands are ok, my holidays were short but great and im about to finally move to London and finally starts what could be the greatest part of my life, now that all the limitations i had for work are fine and even my maturity is now up for the task i'm ready for the challenge :) im back to the gym and getting back to my old muscled self faster than i thought, so is all good, especially after those years of loneliness and difficulty, that thing that says that your face shows everything you been through is a big lie otherwise i would be more wrinkle than the Iggy Pop ass. 

The rough part of living is not living itself but  bring those hopeful thoughts to your daily life, that used to be so common and natural while you were young, but as you get older and you need to go through a broken heart, lack of finance support or even death of a love one, those are the moments that put you at test, and how you react is the difference between someone with depression or suicidal tendencies than someone that is just sad for a reason.

Surely there is situations that put me very close to the edge and i really start to put my sanity at risk, but there is always something back there in the end of my head saying to hold on and wait, that everything is going to be ok, some religions would called God, i just called our natural survival instinct, my subconscious telling me what is best for me when im completely lost on my own thoughts and problems.  

As youngest i was a pretty boy ( now when i see the pictures i can tell but not back then ) i was the kind of young man that got constantly complements on my looks, and what you would think with that information ? yeah so i knew i was pretty right ? nope, people always have this tendency ( completely understandable ) to think just because everybody thinks you are attractive you would think the same, in the same way that i tend to be attracted to not very usual kind of beauties, the same works for the way i used to see myself, like those anorexic girls that are stick thin but still seeing themselves fat on the mirror, today i see that i was at serious ground back then, but i was from the time that Bullying,a little racism and prejudice was ok, and body self image problems was rarely talked about besides the Carpenters singer who died, nothing else was said about that kind of problem. 

 So for many years being called attractive was a necessary part of my well being, and i made sure that i was always looking my best, what is not a hard task when you are 18, those kind of comments are not different of the ones i get today at my 37th, the only difference is that today im glad about the complements but im no longer dependable of them, in part to thanks to my fat phase when around the age of 27 i put a lot of weight and those complements drastically diminished, and i saw myself obligated to pull other charms out of my hat, back then i developed my sense of humour ,lost a lot of my shyness and got this taste for knowledge that i never had as much before, be in a relationship obviously helped a lot for me not to feel less desirable, but after few great years i was single again and obviously i started to miss my pretty boy looks, that is when started another wrong path in my life .

About the next years i fluctuated between sizes, desperate to please, lets be honest the gay world is unfair and pretty rough, if you are not young,muscular and pretty you are through away like garbage, yeah gay guys are smarter, prettier but the also can be the cruelest people you ever met, where a hook up can be worse than a job interview.

All those conflicts of my young years are not the kind that just disappear, i thought it happened but then someone came to my life just to show me that deep inside of me that young boy afraid of the world was still there and for some reason all that wall i had created was down, and today when i think about it i understand that would happen eventually, because when you have a problem you fix it you don't build a wall to hide it. 

After many years of loneliness, with very little interaction with people i kind of get in the other side, this time not with a wall in front me, with a true confidence about who i am, that goes much beyond of my looks, im not longer see someone ugly in the mirror, but also not a cinema star, im far too self judgmental to do that, but im finally happy of what i have with all the flows that came from nature and from the ageing process, and guess what ? when finally complements didn't matter anymore is when im get them the most, but this time is not only my cute butt that get all the complements, because that fat happy boy never left me, and i can say that i found my other half, after so many years looking around, my other half was inside of me this whole time, im complete, not perfect ,not gorgeous but not ugly doesn't matter my body shape or my age. 

STEVE IN PROGRESS

Hey 

Long time no seen my dear internet "private" diary, what can i say? Since the last time we talk i left my job ,i went to Portugal,i decided my move to London,i X-ray ,MRI and tested ny hands nerves,did i say i had sex ? i mean not in this necessary order, but you must know that i like to keep few things private, like my vacations, so lets talk about my sex life ? just kidding.....

Yeah apparently my trip back home is finally coming ,Brazil yeahhhh :) after a never ending winter with lots of Snow and almost a decade out of the beach i finally start to resemblance Olivia Newton John in Grease and if my pale face doesn't convince you i have a blood test to prove it as apparently my  levels of Calcium are very similar to my grandmother, what is great I'm not adopt so .

Apparently the modern technology and the lack of someone to wank me over gave me two hands that now will hurt for the rest of my life, the good news is that is not osteoporosis or Carpel Tunnel Syndrome, so i did with my hands what a retired porn actress done with her pussy, i used to much .

Most of the times we only realise what we need to do

when is staring at our face, i needed to get fat to finally understand that french fries and Big Mac are not actually really a hunk maker, and over use my hands between a work in a coffee shop, work at home in a computer and my gym, end up that something got to give and if you know me you probably know that was the coffee making that was the one chop off of my life ( but not from my mouth ) so i needed to become almost a handicap to finally give myself a chance.

I maybe finally getting over of a heart ( not the organ ) situation that almost dragged my soul down the drain of my self pit and believing in the good of the human race from the past 4 years, is much easier to recover from the felling of a mentally wounded hand than trying to recover a psychological decapitation ,but as all sane ( or almost ) person or a emotional lizard, here i am back to normal me ( as much as normal me can be normal ) a lot wiser, a lot knowledgeable of what i want in life and probably the person with less patience for bull shit in the entire planet.

You see, the good thing of being a decent  human and a cant in the same time is that you can play the anti-hero, because everybody got a bad side ,the evil part ,but most people use it for the wrong purposes, so after a life time suppressing my evil side, i finally released but in that case only towards the other evils ones, some kind of Dexter without the bloodshed :) so i still can be the most adorable excentric man and play my evil side with those who fall for my silly face and want someone to play. 

Won't lie ,life is hard, and if you like to live the safe side of life ,always afraid and not taking risks, good for you you probably preserved your brain as new as when you were a fuck up teenager, the bad news is that you a no more a teenager and you are ruining out of excuses to still be so fuck up ,if someone that went through disappointments ends up a bitter sad figure i won't really be sad for them ,not because they felt the bads in life but because they gave up far too soon, its takes time to recover a heart break, a disappointment or any of the many challengers that life through at us, but hide behind 20 cats in a house full of dust it won't make better ,it won't make go away ,you gonna be frozen in time with your pain ,so i decide go for life in the same way i decided to try eat less life ( or at least something that wasn't alive one day before got in my plate )


 I don't promise to go all vegetarian in the same way i don't promise never break my heart ,but for whatever happen in my life ,my plate or my bed i decided that any life headache will never make me stop enjoying it ,i will go slow and i may not need to kill to feed my appetite, because the hunt sometimes is better than the hunted prize, you catch and then you set it free because if comes back means that was meant for you  ( but in case there is a chicken you can just
 kill the stupid animal e eat it ) lol 

Steve Cavalcanti