WHEN WHAT PEOPLE SEE IS NOT WHAT YOU GET

Hello guys and girls, so since the last time i was here i was away from the gym with a problem with my hands and about to go to Brazil, since then lots happen so i can't say here,but the important thing is that my hands are ok, my holidays were short but great and im about to finally move to London and finally starts what could be the greatest part of my life, now that all the limitations i had for work are fine and even my maturity is now up for the task i'm ready for the challenge :) im back to the gym and getting back to my old muscled self faster than i thought, so is all good, especially after those years of loneliness and difficulty, that thing that says that your face shows everything you been through is a big lie otherwise i would be more wrinkle than the Iggy Pop ass. 

The rough part of living is not living itself but  bring those hopeful thoughts to your daily life, that used to be so common and natural while you were young, but as you get older and you need to go through a broken heart, lack of finance support or even death of a love one, those are the moments that put you at test, and how you react is the difference between someone with depression or suicidal tendencies than someone that is just sad for a reason.

Surely there is situations that put me very close to the edge and i really start to put my sanity at risk, but there is always something back there in the end of my head saying to hold on and wait, that everything is going to be ok, some religions would called God, i just called our natural survival instinct, my subconscious telling me what is best for me when im completely lost on my own thoughts and problems.  

As youngest i was a pretty boy ( now when i see the pictures i can tell but not back then ) i was the kind of young man that got constantly complements on my looks, and what you would think with that information ? yeah so i knew i was pretty right ? nope, people always have this tendency ( completely understandable ) to think just because everybody thinks you are attractive you would think the same, in the same way that i tend to be attracted to not very usual kind of beauties, the same works for the way i used to see myself, like those anorexic girls that are stick thin but still seeing themselves fat on the mirror, today i see that i was at serious ground back then, but i was from the time that Bullying,a little racism and prejudice was ok, and body self image problems was rarely talked about besides the Carpenters singer who died, nothing else was said about that kind of problem. 

 So for many years being called attractive was a necessary part of my well being, and i made sure that i was always looking my best, what is not a hard task when you are 18, those kind of comments are not different of the ones i get today at my 37th, the only difference is that today im glad about the complements but im no longer dependable of them, in part to thanks to my fat phase when around the age of 27 i put a lot of weight and those complements drastically diminished, and i saw myself obligated to pull other charms out of my hat, back then i developed my sense of humour ,lost a lot of my shyness and got this taste for knowledge that i never had as much before, be in a relationship obviously helped a lot for me not to feel less desirable, but after few great years i was single again and obviously i started to miss my pretty boy looks, that is when started another wrong path in my life .

About the next years i fluctuated between sizes, desperate to please, lets be honest the gay world is unfair and pretty rough, if you are not young,muscular and pretty you are through away like garbage, yeah gay guys are smarter, prettier but the also can be the cruelest people you ever met, where a hook up can be worse than a job interview.

All those conflicts of my young years are not the kind that just disappear, i thought it happened but then someone came to my life just to show me that deep inside of me that young boy afraid of the world was still there and for some reason all that wall i had created was down, and today when i think about it i understand that would happen eventually, because when you have a problem you fix it you don't build a wall to hide it. 

After many years of loneliness, with very little interaction with people i kind of get in the other side, this time not with a wall in front me, with a true confidence about who i am, that goes much beyond of my looks, im not longer see someone ugly in the mirror, but also not a cinema star, im far too self judgmental to do that, but im finally happy of what i have with all the flows that came from nature and from the ageing process, and guess what ? when finally complements didn't matter anymore is when im get them the most, but this time is not only my cute butt that get all the complements, because that fat happy boy never left me, and i can say that i found my other half, after so many years looking around, my other half was inside of me this whole time, im complete, not perfect ,not gorgeous but not ugly doesn't matter my body shape or my age.