Can you imagine if ever sexual fantasy in our head it was count like a sexual encounter? Yeah, in the back of our minds we are all a bunch of whores! But here is the question, how much of whore are you ?

Women got this thing about counting their sexual encounters, the bigger the number more of a failure they are, kind of opposite that happen with us, the guys, not that we are exactly counting.

Straight women know their number without needed to think, straight men have a good idea about it, gay men probably stop counting before they reach their middle 20’s.

All start when we start to count the first kisses, the first blow jobs, the first boyfriends, one night stands, threesomes and before you notice you lost count of the time, the fucks and the condoms.

My straight friends always asked me in a polite way why most gays are so promiscuous? And my answer ? We are promiscuous not because we are gay, we are because we are men.

Let’s be honest when a new straight date happen, is quite often the men trying his way towards sex while women to romance, is not news that for sex to happen it will be needed hours of conversation, dinner, cinema for the man finally gets what he really wants since the very beginning, that is fuck the girl.

But what would happen if women would be as straight forward as us? they will cut the restaurant, pause the movie, forgot to ask our name and jump on us like a thirst vampire. So in a certain way we are no different from a straight, just luckier.

I guess anything that is easy to get or achieve makes us hungry for more, so sometimes sex is just like the extra mach mellow in the overweight hot chocolate, is a serious drug disguise as something pleasurable.

Sex is never the right answer for what we looking for but we like keeping looking for just for the taste of the ride.I slept with people because of low self esteem, pity, revenge, interest, love, drunkenness, boredom, curiosity and the list go on, but time showed me that sex is great but we shouldn’t expect that to solve our own demons, they will be there right after your orgasm.

So I finally realise that I may not be so sexual as I used to be, when it happen is over the roof, practice make it perfect (lol), but I learned not to think about it when does not happen, and not to thinking about so i couldn’t think is something more complicate to deal then few inches.

Like a smart person once said, the greatest sexual organ we got is the brain, have our lives powered by our desires is like give your car to your 2 years old son, our intelligence is something really new in the human race, but our natural instincts are around since we were all covered in hair.

So having your number increasing by year is not something that your should be ashamed of like women does but not also proud like men does, but something to learn from, so you can finally make better choices, making ever steamy wasting time moments counts for what it should for.

THE IMAGES ON THIS BLOG WERE TAKED RANDOMLY ON INTERNET AND CHANGED BY ME TO ILLUSTRATE THIS ENTRY.

Mental disorder, what this word mean to you ? a crazy person talking with himself tight up in a white vest ? or your boyfriend, your neighbour or you mom ?

As ignorant straight people are about gay sexuality, it is our understanding of the meaning of the word Mental Disorder, maybe because there was a time that this world truly meant totally crazy eating your own feces crazy.

Since I was little there was always this confusion around me as the way I interpreter myself, sometimes I got in trouble for say what I was thinking or just because my personality didn’t put me across in the perfect Hollywood light.

I grew up felling this strange loneliness, complete unjustified as Im coming from a family completely dysfunctional but full of love and conversation!

I couldn’t integrate with order kids without not end up the joke of the week for say something I not suppose to or have a unexpected reaction. My difficulty to learn to read as I couldn’t focus in anything for more than a minute made me end up in a school for retards (was actually my teacher from the school that sent me to do some exams and end up with the result that my I.Q was actually higher than the average and called my mother every day for more than a month almost begging for her transfer me to a normal school ( what she end up doing even against her will )

So if I was actually very normal it means that all my problems was actually me being naughty or misbehaving? I wish it was, but it wasn’t, I continue to be the target of jokes and not really understanding where I was doing wrong, so self confidence wasn’t my best features and be a pretty boy didn’t actually help as I used to attract people at first but my distracted head push them away not increasing my popularity self confidence levels any higher.

Like any young gay man or any man in general, I wanted to fit in, but be gay it mean a even bigger desire to fit in, as for so long we lived felling outcasts, and when I was 18 I went to my first club, my looks was the first reason I became notice and soon enough I realise that was the only reason at all.

It took me years of self testing, dealing with a huge fight inside of my head, like one part of me taking care of the other if it misbehave, in some level I was mimicking other people behave in the hope to “fake it until you make it “ philosophy,i did theatre,started to work in a reception of hotel and for put myself facing my biggest imaginary fear (people) and learned how deal with it.

Many years pass and im still here, but this time much happier with myself because i relearn on my own way how to pass across my unconventional way of thinking in a better and more understandable way to other people, like I am my own country, planet trying to translate this alien way of communication, but when you are part of the minority you are automatically the wrong one, I was the gay, left hand, latino foreigner, retarded or a complete different person that just wanted to fit in, so I had so many reasons to be segregated that people may forgot that maybe was something else going on .

Mental disorder actually is something so vast and got so many level differences that is almost impossible to put them in the same category, as some of them can be as strong as making them kill themselves or someone else, but say that everybody with metal disorder could kill you is the same to say that all gays like a dick in their butt and talks like squeal with tendencies, so please for much less Hitler toast many real people.

Only many years after when my sister notice some no usual behaviours from my oldest niece she found out that she actually have ADHD and as explaining me everything my sister and I automatically came to the same result: I had the same problem all my life without knowing, looking the books about the problem was like going thought the most unforgettable moments of my life, and exactly like the books says the problem become less visible as the person grow up.

Here it go, so next time someone would shout to me instead of shout back I could just call my lawyer, some kind of celebrity to the cripple. Is very easy to go to the self pit selves of ourselves, everybody got a sad story to tell ,and some of us rely on that like my neighbour on her bible. Even without any help I think I could reach that part of my brain that was going to the dreaming side and let it know that I was here always aware.

Through my thoughts, my art, writing and photography I translate parts of me that otherwise it would be misunderstood and some good conscious intelligence can always find their way around, even through itself!

Never let anyone say you can’t, or better, let them to say because there is no better incentive to open doors than got some smash in your face.

THERE IS A LIST OF OTHER CRAZIES,TO LIST A FEW:

Albert Einstein Beethoven Jim Carrey Christopher Columbus
 Tom Cruise
 Leonardo da Vinci


Salvador Dali
 Emily Dickinson F. Scott Fitzgerald Alfred Hitchcock Dustin Hoffman Benjamin Franklin

Steven Spielberg
 Sylvester Stallone Leo Tolstoy
 Ted Turner
 Vincent Van Gogh
 Jules Verne

Stevie Wonder
Virginia Woolf Steve McQueen
 Mozart Napoleon Nostradamus Isaac Newton


Jack Nicholson
 Anthony Hopkins John Lennon John F. Kennedy
 Robert Kennedy Abraham Lincoln

Edgar Allan Poe
 Cole Porter
 Elvis Presley Guy Ritchie
 Joan Rivers Eleanor Roosevelt Pablo Picasso

IF YOU HAVE KIDS, PLEASE BE INFORMED BEFORE PUNISHING THEM FOR SOMETHING THEY CANT CONTROL BUT ALSO DON’T OVER PROTECT, ADHD DOESN’T MEAN YOUR KID IS RETARDED, JUST THAT HE THINKS IN A DIFFERENT WAY THAN YOU.

Watching this video about a teen living with ADHD on the great informative website www.adhdandyou.co.uk

What a sad week it was this one with the death of Amy Winehouse, and what a shock of mine when I red so many bad comments about it, things like “she deserved” "

If you are not a monk on the Tibet somehow you also can relate to her struggle in the same way I did in some level. We all have the necessity of escape from time to time, escape from ourselves, for that reason people drink to lose their shyness, change hair colour to express their inner self and change sex to permanently be the person they always have been from inside.

My first real memory of drug use was in London, when living in a flat with 7 people most gay, my house was like this extension of the Rave, where friends comes and go, where everybody keep coming with the wine and the music was loud and everybody took drugs together before our many nights out.

When you are young you have this tendency to try to fit in, you want to belong to something and sometimes not exactly belonging to the group we suppose to belong. My desire to be part of that brand new exciting tribe made me try most of the fashionable drugs of the club scene, from ecstasy, cocaine, speed to amphetamine, to name a few, and what a amazing sensorial experience it was, is like see the world in a completely perspective, and in some moments you even think “uh, if I die right now I will die a happy man” but unfortunately for some of us, that happen.

You know that expression: You never have enough of the good thing? so that is what drugs are about ( when I say drugs that include cigarettes, alcohol ,chocolate, cock or anything that you can’t resist to put in your mouth as much you could )

The problem with drugs is that your never know how your body will react until it react, one of the thing that amazed me about taking ecstasy for the first time was how different me and my friends reacted by the drug, my ex enjoyed himself a lot but was also vomiting ever 20 mins, my best friends got completely calm and sat down enjoying the music but not moving a muscle and I could stop dancing, I was emerged on the song and laser effects from the club, but why I wasn’t in the rush to do it all over again in the next day ? for me was good the way it was ,but in the next day my body was so intoxicated that I couldn’t spare a thought of trying again that week, even that the whole experience was some how all positive.

If it is a psychological thing or just a genetically related I know as much I know the reason why people are gay, but there is actually a common aspect in all the people I met who started with me but end up hooked it.

We all like to escape from ourselves, some of us do it for fun, because is nice to play about being someone else (otherwise the Drag queen wouldn’t have been invented) and in this case we are all glad to back to our normal selves in the next day in the same way that is great go on in a holiday but is equivalent nice to back home.

When the reason for your escape is because you cant cope with your life, that is when things go from bad to worse, because we tend not want to go back, is the reason why people instead of eat a chocolate bar as a treat decide to eat the whole box even they are already becoming morbid obese, we want the instant comfort, we want that moment where we are not thinking anymore.

Another important point is the control, even not being a addicted person in few times I really put my life at serious risk, like taking 8 ecstasy in one night or even mixing 2 different types of drugs with alcohol and the only difference of me and someone that collapse is that I was luck and healthy enough in that night so even putting my body under extreme stress, it could handle, but what would happen if I kept doing that regularly? I wouldn’t be here telling the story I guess.

After the first or second pill you not really in control anymore and you don’t see the risk of trying another drug and that is why you need friends around you and at least one friend that doesn’t do drugs because he will know when is time to make you stop before you kill yourself without knowing.

Is funny how culture can really blur our perception of normality, in the same way that starving models on Vogue can make you think that look like a stick is attractive, the same could be say about the relation of this country with alcohol and drugs, things that used to chock me when I first came here today can pass unnoticed by my eyes.

When I heard about Amy Winehouse death I just could remember when I first saw her in person in Soho, she was friendly but so wasted that couldn’t even make much sense, situation that in any other country it would make people run for help ,but there she was alone with no friends walking in the Soho streets like a homeless that could even make you forget that there was actually a Grammy winner and a remarkable talent in her own way asking for help ,but because there was at least more 5 others vomiting drunkers around her ,it made her look perfectly fine.

Our fight for acceptance and to be loved as equals in our society got a down side, that is depression, low self esteem and a lack of self acceptance, one of the reason why the gay community is by far the most common group of drug users.

Of course in the perfect world it will be better not even try drugs, but if you really want to give a try, do a check up (especially your heart) take from people you really know and already took the same thing you will and the most important have some no drugs user friend around you in case you need and never mix drugs, even alcohol.

R.I.P AMY WINEHOUSE

Gay people think they were born this way while straight people think there is something related to their development, the discussion was open when a mother of a 4 years old boy decided to create a Blog called Raising My Rainbow, where she tells the adventures of being a mother of a effeminate child and why she defends her position of not forcing him to play with boy toys and allowing him to play with Barbies and dress himself as his favourite character: Alice in the Wonderland.

The Blog was not only extremely successful but also created a lot of controversy and that just made me think about my own childhood and how much her journey may relate to my mother’s own journey.

As a young boy I had my share of ambiguous behaviour myself, if you know me you know how imaginative I can be as a adult, so as a child I was in a perpetual state of drossiness, life was a magical adventure for me and my imagination putted me in dangerous situations like mix detergent, washing powder and soap and water and drink it because they smell good (before I was taken to the hospital my mother says I show up in the living room like a epileptic having a attack, in another time I climbed the wardrobe and jumped saying I was Batman and was going to fly ( I forgot that who actually fly is Superman ) I was left with a broken arm that still not quite the same as the other arm today.

After seen a tv commercial where a couple started to fly after try the menthol Halls I made my mom buy boxes of Halls just to get sick in the end of the day because I ate all of them in a attempt to fly! After that my mother had the great idea of pay for sealing all our apartment windows. ( so you got the idea )

With the same happiness I used to play and dress like one of the Chips ( old show from tv with two hunks railway motorbike cops ) I was also fascinated about how Wonder woman could just spin herself and booom changed clothing, so I still remember me singing the show theme song from the show while spinning, and also remember my stepfather making a comment to my mom : - Cecilia Cecilia be careful with this boy because he may turn to be gay ! My mother didn’t care, as she thought was just my hyperactive imagination.

So I played with my trains, my falcon (soldier action figure for boys when I was a child) my skate board but also played with my sister’s Barbies few time until I decided to sleep with one of them and broke her arm ( later my sister smashed my Falcon on the wall as a sign of revenge ) so I kept sending those mixed messages that I guess left my mom very confuse about my future sexuality.

From as long I remember boys always attracted more my attention than girls, but when I was a very young child I used to show that naturally, but as soon I start to understand how the world works I started to feel uncomfortable around men, I didn’t understand why in that time but now i know that was because I was attracted to them.

I had the whole stereotype thing about how to raise a gay person (in another words: the recipe to create a gay man) I was raised by a single strong hyper protective open minded mother, since I was very young sexuality was discussed in my house, I enter the puberty knowing about AIDS and sex wasn’t a taboo, but it might escaped my modern and open minded mom that her son so good with the girls in school was actually about to put her level of acceptance at test.

Since I start to go out in the gay jungle I met a lot of people and realised that maybe my mom wasn’t that responsible for my gayness after all ( lol ) first of all : if depends of my mom I could be a drag queen that she would love exchange make up tips with me, so how come that a deliberated mother like mine end up with the most square gay man I know : myself. And why so many friends of mine that came from the Navy, Army and military families with strong father figures and slave mothers end up all being screaming queens?

While I lived almost a year in Gran Canaria I met this gay couple who were raising two kids, one boy of 14 and a girl of 12, the very flamboyant couple came to a dinner at my place with their kids and for my surprise ( and shame for be surprised ) they were the most normal, loving family I ever see, the kids all very polite, well educated and kind, the boy brought his girlfriend and his sister presented herself as a proper daddy’s princess.

My family in the other hand was also fulled of love but was definitely much more unconventional, my sister different than me used to beat all the boys in the neighbourhood, never really enjoyed dolls, make up or pretty dresses ( so different from my feminine femme fatale mother ) and during her teens was always surrounded by boys like she was one of them, so you would say : uhhh, recipe for a lesbian right ? Wrong, she still married with her first boyfriend and they couldn’t be more of a traditional family.

The story has few good examples of how try to change someone nature is a bad thing in any age, I was very lucky growing up with freedom to explore and was always loved at home and that definitely was the key point that defined my personality and self esteem, unfortunately I met many people in my life that were so self destructive emotionally but in the same time so different from each other ,but they all shared just one thing in common : lack of love, abuse and mistreatment for their unusual behaviour as children.

Some stories are scary like The Sissy Boy Experiment about a effeminate boy who was put under “treatment” that supposedly cured him from his homosexuality with disastrous consequences. Another good example is the true story which the movie Prayers for Bobby is based, with Sigourney weaver in a great performance like a religious mother of a teenager boy who kill himself because of the religious ignorance of his family and the journey of his mother to forgive herself and turn herself around.

The book Dead Boys Can’t Dance is also a great source of information based in many sad stories of young boys that after a lifetime of feeling ashamed at home and school bullying at school end up their short lives before even started.

Ignorance is a cancer that can eat the ignorant victim for a lifetime, so educate your straight friends, your brothers and sisters because sometimes a Barbie is just a action figure with luscious hair.

When it comes to sexuality or personal life styles we always gonna step in misunderstandings and wrong impressions, was always so clear in my mind what is being gay is all about that while my one year staying in Belo Horizonte –Brazil I found out through my friends (most of them heterosexual) what really cross straight people minds when they think about gay sexuality. I was astonished how easily we can pass the wrong impression and create a stereotype that not always reflects the true about the gay community in general.

But surprise, surprise, not only straight people has their miss concepts and stereotypes, gay people also do that in a different way, how many times I saw gays guys putting their safety at risk because they think that they can change any straight man into gay.

Like anyone else I just can give my point of view based in my own life and observation, im am what you may called (even that word sounds a little bit prejudice I think ) straight acting gay guy (but none of us are that 2 dimensional) im the guy that can easily and most of the time pass as straight man ,my voice is strong and im polite but a bit rough and butch ,thought the years I heard things from straight people like : - ah, you just haven’t found the right girl ( yeah sure, haven’t found one with cock so far ) our (that is lovely) God can wash the gay away from you so you stop living as a sinner ( normally who say that is a big closet queer in a tie married to a butch ex-lesbian )

(how you gonna ask for people respect your sexuality if you don´t respect theirs)

how many times I had gay friends of mine asking me to set myself free because they thought I was holding myself back our I was too shy to be myself ( or at least what they thought that would be me ) so not only some straight people think we are all screaming camp queens, the screaming camp queens also think that we are all screaming camp queens ,and the straight ones are just screaming camp queens in the closet waiting to be converted.

How can we educate about us when not even us no what we are ? but the thing is : the human being is very complex to be totally understood, the only difference about the gay diversity and straight diversity is that they don´t need to justify their existence like we do. Close to my sister house there is a street full of female prostitutes, so that means that all women sell their bodies? Oh no, just some women, everybody knows that ,but so why some people think that a masculine hunk gay man or a transsexual are prostitutes ?

Lately I had do learned and deal with my miss concept myself when the discussion in America about LGBT rights brought to the light on the web, tv shows and in my favourite podcast Feast of Fun what is be a transgender, I was always intrigued about the subject especially because a lot of people think that we are gay because deep inside we want to be women, and I always felt angry about it ( I never had any connection with the women’s world ,just a dude that like dudes ! lol ) and never let myself to actually understand it right, I was lucky, I was straight away accepted by my family, im not ashamed of my sexuality but if I don’t say it I can get away without people staring at me or doing comments, so if life as a gay is already harder for a more obvious gay guy ,I can only imagine of a what a life of a transsexual is with people constantly judging you and your choices.

This last week I downloaded a show that I always wanted to watch but is not available through my cable tv provider, RuPaul Drag race and of course the show is over the top camp, funny but also taught me a little bit more of this world where my knowledge doesn’t go much further than the shows I watched in gay clubs more than 10 years ago.

The line between gender and sexuality are very blurry those days, if you are a drag queen not necessarily means that you want to be a woman, if you are transgender not necessarily means you are gay ( yeah right there actually cases of operated transgender women who went from straight men to transgender female lesbians )

We are what we are, the more the human race involve more new definitions and contractions will appear and we will see not only some people but also ourselves questioning and getting wrong what is exactly the definition of “normal” I get in the point that what I think is abnormal is someone else trying to define what is normal, as long you not hurting anyone, is your right to cut, implant, shave, extended and do with your body what you do with your house in a way that makes more comfortable and beautiful for you and hey ,I don’t like your house lemon green walls but is you living there not me ,so why I should care ?

Big kisses for anyone that have the courage to stand up and against all odds be yourself !

the death of Liz Taylor and the dating golden era

There was a 80´s song from my country that says “All my idols died of overdose all my enemies are in the power” in my mother language rime is not as easy as it is in English and maybe because of that most of the songs ( at least the ones that matter ) have a quite significant message on their lyrics ( and what a shock after I came to this country finally understand what those beautiful American’s songs I loved my whole life got such poor or none message on their lyrics, anyway the thing that made me remember those old song lines was Elisabeth Taylor death ,ok there is no such thing as I old junky, my idols are dying from something much more powerful and certain: old age ( lol ) the golden age of Hollywood soon is gonna be like the survives of Titanic ,it will only left KateWinslet.

Paul Newman, Marlon Brando, Audrey Hepburn …… the list go on, what makes me think the next on the list it will be Sophia Lorren, Lorren Bacall ( yes I know she doing extra hours on earth ) and the youngest Jane Fonda ,and that is gonna be the end of a era, all those folks are from my gramma´s time so just make me sad that I may be losing her with them.( my grandmother naturally blond always dye her hair in black because someone once told her she was a blond Elisabeth Taylor, if today all the girls want to be Angelina Jolie in that time Liz Taylor was the way to be ) Im not so into old movies, but I really respect and admire their class, the time when insinuate could be a more powerful sexual sign than just expose the quest without fighting for it.

Call me old but I really think we have a lot to learn from that era, don´t get me wrong i loved the 90´s when Madonna dictating this new sexual way to express, I love have the freedom to say and show whatever I want, but the problem today is that people don’t do it more by ideology but because is trend, is cool and all their friends are doing, so if in the 90´s I was criticized because I was exposing me too much, today I may push some people away from my no exposure, after all im not a porno channel with preview, want to see my HBO ? buy the packet! No pick pick lol

In the very beginning of the internet I was there in the chat room meeting with people from other states (something consider amazing in the time) so I was no more confine in just meet guys in my city or when I was travelling, I could now plan my trips, less time clubbing and hunting and more time fucking.

As technology maniac I was always so into gadgets as I was into men, so when in the middle 90s I bought the new nerd desirable toy: Scanner and so was clear what I did just afterwards : Scanning my pictures!

Is not because you can that means you should, I would not say that sometimes is naughty and cool see people bits even before to meet them, but I definitely miss the conquest, the charm and the flirtation of the old days when what attracted you to someone was the whole packet ,somewhere between decades we started to overdue it and what was sexy became just vulgar.

Im not Brad Pitt, your average bloke but thanks to my photogenic mom I was born the same and I took advantage of that, I don’t know if I was the first but much long before gaydar and Chris Croocker I was enjoying some international notoriety, that´s when I realise that exactly like Miley Cyrus I can´t be tamed ( lol ) as I was leaving two lives ,one in the internet and another in my religious and homophobic country.

If I was a woman I would say that now is time for cover up, but I also don´t believe in that and I will show my body as far I think is worth to be show and just when I want to show ! And if show off was the scandal in my young years today is the rule.

This post is dedicated to those men and women that like Elisabeth Taylor in her days could make a man have a erection with just a raise of eyebrows.

We should be the masters of our freedom, when show freedom is not a act of freedom then is not freedom at all.

Steve Cavalcanti