JEALOUSY AND BETRAYAL

Hi guys, I know that is a subject that affect all of us, but no one can make this a whole big drama like the latins, and if the latins in question are also gay, expect over the top scenes only seen in the most flamboyant Mexican soap operas!

In my life I had my share of Jealousy and betrayal and ive been in both sides of the coin like everybody else ( even that are just few with the courage to admit it ) Im basically a faithful person, but not in the straight hypocrite sense of the word, but in my commitment to the relation, and that doesn’t mean not follow in temptation or commit a mistake, because don’t fool yourself those things are part of the packet that comes in a relationship, and that will happen as quick as the first months or after years of relationship and that is a fact, what you gonna do with the situation is what make some relationship works for years and other don’t!

Don´t get me wrong, im not here saying in favour of fucking around when you are in a monogamist relationship, but something much harder to do than being faithful, is being honest and that should begin from the very start because (believe me) straight things up after all the rules has been broken is much harder and always set to failed!

After that experience I decided never fall in love again (like we actually can have control of that! Lol)

I start a relationship with a adorable guy that loved me and who I treated like a idiot, after all he was always around me like a pet and this way I treated him, we broke up but I couldn’t understand why he was so hurt by me, it took few months for us accidentally meet and I finally understand what I did, he was sad skinny and extremely frail, I was officially a monster, that was the starting point when I think I really start to growing up, understanding the cause and effect theory and promised myself never use anyone emotions for my amusement!

Exactly like when you married and even that you love your fiancé you still need to be sure that all the money of both gained before the weeding continuing being their own and whatever make after it will be shared in case of divorce, yeah it sucks having butterflies in your stomach and still need to think in the worse, but unfortunately it will happen at least once and that is not bad even that may looks, time and experience doesn’t make you love less, but teach you to stand up fast enough to not damage yourself more than is necessary!

But like I said, is living that we learn, in my life I let my group of friends(?) convince me that my bf betrayed me with his ex-bf that I was already jealous, what I did ? I made the situation even worse sleeping with his best friend and then telling him, in the end of the story I never really knew if he really slept with his ex but he knew about me (I was just 20 but I already knew that if he didn’t hear from me he would end up hearing from someone else) I was totally crazy for the guy and totally fuck up, I didn’t know that patience is a virtue and if you are smart enough is not that difficult catch someone on a lie, think first react later!

I had short and longer relationships after that, where I was betrayed with no doubt of the act, and in some I was so educational in my reaction that I got a confession and I accept the apologies and in other they decide continue to lying and I decide give another chance thinking that may be one time only adventure.( but normally is not )

Between relationships I discover that shagging around was not so bad as my earlier romantic mind thought, but i could never do that during relationships, I think both life’s are great, but I try always be extremely honest with who I sleep with, if is just one night stand I always let the person knows exactly where I stands, if someone is going to break the hot naïve guy’s heart just for a shag is not gonna be me because I don’t want to be forever in someone´s memories as a horny selfish prick.

More I live more I realise how we are connected with absolutely everything and doesn’t matter how you through the shit in the fan it will always end up back in your face, sometimes takes years but it will back that you can be sure.

Relationships should be discuss in the very beginning, because your boundaries may not be the same of your partner and that is nothing wrong in being naughty and have a adventure with or without your partner as long this is in the couple list of allows, who cares what society and family would say, being gay is already a change of tradition and copy a straight model in relationship it won’t make us look better in the picture anyway, what is import is what your partner thinks and fells, so let the dirty attitude on the bed and play clean your sexuality, that’s is nothing hot about fucking with somebody’s mind !

All images in this blog were caught in internet and then manipulated in the computer by myself to serve as illustration of my post.

THE REVENGE OF THE UGLY DUCK

One of the reasons I like the show BEING ERICA is because not only kind of fulfil our own desire of back in time and re-done something that turned wrong but also because shows that fate is something true it doesn’t matter how she change the course of the events it will always going to have the same ending!

Is the same when we lie, somehow someday that it will back to you and you going to fell is it coming, the concept of we are all only one, that we are connect is more current as we are connect in some degree with Kevin Bacon.

And then like Erica in the show I decided to make my own list of regrets, oh boy was like a yellow page, and I thought “Is a shame life doesn’t start backward like that movie with Brad Pitt” because I’m not enjoying those wrinkles starting around my eyes, my thinning hair, the Empire of my beauty that once was all flourish now got the same destiny of Rome. Yep is the natural course of nature I know, so instead of looking something that no Botox can’t fix it, what about have something that any muscle tight ass of 20 doesn’t have? A still full functional brain, I mean some of us, as young we have all the right of abuse of our own youth and beauty, but never get addicted of your own physical, because that is like anything else: it will change for one second to another or it will surely change eventually, and if you don’t have anything else to put your soul into what you going to do?

Call me old, but I’m already thinking about it, but the good thing is that I never relied my life in my physical being, I did sure abused to much of it, but I never relied my chances of success on it, so I know is coming and I may be much more prepared that someone that pass their life only worried about how much lean muscle they have around their asses!

Another thing that is very stupid is those people so scared to get older, uglier that they get very happy when they see others aging as well, otherwise nobody would buy Magazines just to check how deformed that 80´s beauty actress is looking now, is our guilty pleasure!

But this is not restricted to celebrities, the same works for family, friends and love. As time pass by everything start to behave not quite like use to be, and doesn’t matter your age (when I was 9 I could put my foot in my face without bending my knees, but when I was 11 I couldn’t anymore) so, if you notice some difference in your body it will be a matter of time until someone annoyed by their own body changes point your in a desperate way to say to the world “ Hey guys I may look old or not attractive but don’t be fool the cutes ones are aging too and they will all end up looking like me someday ” ( and I would reply : Sure I will honey, but at least I knew what is to be attractive and you just went from bad to worse ! lol )

I had my quote of this type of “RACERS” as a friends, as a boyfriends and even doing the same thing myself without realising, is natural the instinct of compete, is in our animal side, but some people just don’t have control of it and life is all about hunting, competing for the prize, our society still more animalistic than we think.

But as we get older things start to get new perspective, so is quite funny when some young fag comes to me in a racer mood, I’m not up for a competition and dammed not because I’m afraid to lose, but because if I win things can get seriously ugly and I’m don’t have time to spare in any queer catfight, especially because this cat here don’t scratch faces or pull some hair, I pull a punch.

We all had in some point in life periods of animal behaviour, Im sure had mine, the only problem with those periods is that the bodies we left behind in our pursuit are not dead, the prize is not a statue, sometimes the trophy is someone’s job, heart and sometimes their lives, and it takes years for you finally understand what you done, so what you do? Nothing can’t be changed and even for some magic you could, you just may making things even worse, I had my time when I was around 22 I did hurt someone without realising, he was always there for me so I took that for granted, I wasn’t in love it was convenient even that I knew his feelings were different than mine. I was in the top of my love game, felling almighty, couldn’t understand what I was doing to him to make him suffer that much, it took years ahead for then someone I was interested did the same to me and I finally stop and ask myself: “I have this felling I saw all this before like a replay, oh gosh! I lived all this already, but I was in the other side of the bill.”

Karma is a mother, or better is a mother in law, from that moment I started to get aware of the signs, life is constantly giving us lessons and sometimes punishing us, or is actually is our own subconscious doing the job, that voice in our head “ Take like a man bitch, u deserve it “

And that’s why most of the time I cause the wrong impression, or people think I’m promiscuous because of my big mouth or because I admit doing thing that people also do but they like to live the lie, I don’t like games, or not anymore, I don’t compete, life is too precious for me to act like I’m in a gay beauty pageant, if you think you shine, the stage is all your, I’m so comfortable in the stage like I am in the audience!

Speak your mind is a hurtful ray way, I paid high price because I talked to much, but strangely even time that I could take advantage of a situation but I choose say the true, brought me a horrible time but from nowhere I got recompensed for my honesty in so point! Don’t get me wrong I’m no angel, is no good mess with me, I’m human after all, and we are mean!

It would be very tempting be able to back in time give a big middle finger for those who hurt me or stop me to hurt someone, but then I would not be the person I am now and god knows what kind of person I would turned to, suffering and loss is the kind of lesson that life teach us in order to understand that we all go through the same things doesn’t matter how handsome or well hung you are, said that, so don’t through me your shit because I got my own thank you very much.

Steve Cavalcanti