Tuesday 24 August 2010

DO YOU HOLD GRUDGES?

Just watched another episode of Being Erica, where she travels to the 70´s and watched her divorced parents full of love for each other and wonder what’s happen, why things changed? And that made me think about my own family and personal issues and why we hold grudges.

Like they always say: ever queer got a sad story to tell, well I think everybody in general got one, and if you don’t, bad for you because I think that is essential part in our lives to teach us about forgiving and forget.

I think forgive is the easiest part, forget is the hardest, our love for someone (doesn’t matter if is family or not) is what makes us forgive, is something you learn quick and does take a effort, see forgive as the wound and forget as the scar, I did operate my knees when I was 15 but today when I dress up I not even bother to use trousers (something that would never happen until I was 25) most of the time because I completely forget I have a scar over there that it will be visible if I use shorts, but not because I don’t bother anymore that means that my scar will disappear, always when I look down to my knees I will remember the hospital ,my problem with the anaesthetic and the months of recovery, as long the time goes by my memories about it keep getting painless ,but never goes away, and so is painful memories and the responsible people evolved !

When you are young you tend to judge too much of let it go to easily, in most of the cases we do both always in the wrong time and moment, be a teenager can be a traumatise experience, and coming from a dysfunctional family doesn’t help, or may help? Is really beautiful see people that have dental cream commercial families, where everything works, those families that lives in the other side of their street, where the grass are greener and their smiles are brighter, would you not ever thought about break all those lovely teeth and burn their spotless houses down? No? I did, is very easy when we are not happy with our lives stop looking at ourselves and start watching someone else, like my mother always says: “My son is gay, but the neighbour’s son is a queer”

One of the things I really appreciate about the Brits and Americans is their sense of patriotism, doesn’t matter how fuck up is their government they always find something good to keep their faith up, Brits hold in the past and Americans in their people spirit, unfortunately a major flaw in my own country is about the self believing department, they tend to think they have all the problems and here in UK or America is the paradise lost, part of that illusion is exactly because the way those countries choose to portrait themselves and exactly like a lie, when is told so many times it becomes true. In Brazil happen exactly the opposite, the spirit that “we are less and the others are more” cause the same domino effect making people from this country and others think the things over there are worse than actually is, and as usual the Brazilian people tend to blame someone or something else for that image, of course the media create the circus so they can sell a story, but where those stories start in the first place? Is like some British celebrities over here, after had pictures taken without underwear and making personal confessions to the papers and making reality shows of their personal lives they got stress from abusive interferences in their private lives or when the media start to dig all the rubbish from their past, but who they have to blame?

Keep twisting the knife around the wound it wont make it heal and it won’t punish who did it but definitely it will keep hurting you, so instead of accusing someone or something as excuse to justify why you are the way you are, why not just do something about it? And im not talking about revenge but taking better care of yourself so next time nobody or anything can hit you hard enough to left a mark.

I learned that I couldn’t hold grudges from people that did hurt me; of course they could be more careful or less selfish. You always do your best to not be rude, to not hurt other people feelings, but is essential to understand that some people just don’t give a fuck and others not even know they are doing it, so is it! Not fair, yes I know so is life, you can’t control what other people will do to you, but you can keep some control about how much damage that it will cause.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent – Eleanor Roosevelt

Some time ago I was extremely fit because someone I was in love was rude enough to tell me I was looking fat and flaccid and told me how good looking everybody else were, I took that as a challenge and I made myself more fitter than the guys he was talking about, you would say “cool, so it all worth it, right? Not really, turn myself fitter didn’t make him respect me better and because I didn’t get fitter because of me after one year with the problems I left the gym and my new eating habits and almost back to the same old chubby myself.

Doesn’t matter how the love making is great after a fight or how special he is sometimes, nothing justify someone treat you like shit and the only reason they do is because you allow it, doesn’t matter how disgraceful they are, that is one thing you can be sure it won’t change overnight and the question is, are you sure you want to be around until that “change” happen? I experience on flash that “old habits die hard” and if you allow yourself to forgive, for some people it means almost like a not spoken agreement that you are cool with that attitude and you can be sure that whatever is happening that makes you feel bad it will happen all over again!

Im a natural fighter, if I put my mind on something normally I get it, that attitude brought me in some wonderful situations but also made me suffer unnecessarily, the great balance in life is to know when takes no as a no and yes as a don’t.

Im current back to the gym, not to impress anyone but myself, doing in my own time, respecting my body, learning about nutrition and making this a real change of life style, after many years I stop completely to smoke and im not taking bulshit from anyone and learned that is not worth it hold grudges or play revenge because that means losing even more time with something that shouldn’t had my attention in the first place!

Is a difficult equation but with time we start to understand when is time to forgive, when is time to ignore because we never forget and if something did hurt you, im sorry to say but you may have something to do with it. Do something or stay still can be both terrible when is done in the wrong time!

Steve Cavalcanti

ALL THE IMAGES ON THIS BLOG ARE FROM PICTURES I TOOK FROM INTERNET AND CHANGED ON THE COMPUTER TO ILLUSTRATE THIS ENTRY

Wednesday 4 August 2010

WHEN THE BEAUTY BECOME THE BEAST

Beauty! This simple word is the meaning of the most desirable possession that someone could have in our days, this word evoke glamour, money and power. Is not a secret that doesn’t matter how rich or intelligent someone is, beauty definitely can smooth your way to your personal ambitions, from the renascence painter to the fashion photographers the message is only one : Beauty sells ideas ,sells art ,sells products and change the way people understand the world around them and the way they see themselves.

Do you know that even much longer before the Photoshop the pictures of the glamorous Hollywood actresses were manually retouched with a sharp razor under the delicate negative to make their skins lucid and flawless, their youth were kept pulling their natural hair as far up they could and then a wig placed so they could sell the elusion of eternal beauty as long as possible.


Madonna change the musical world and the way we appreciate female singers, today is not enough you be a good singer, you need to be gorgeous (or at least sell that idea) you need to be sexy and you need to have different looks. In the 90´s the super models took over the world selling the idea of the perfect woman is rare but exist.

Today the Photoshop made any famous actress play the role of flawless supermodel creating a wrong idea of perfection and making the world population think that Hollywood is this magic place where everybody is gorgeous ageless creating a generation of starving teenagers, eating disorders and deformed middle age women with faces that look like wax work and pulled skins that instead of taking back the years just make you like a cartoon version of yourself.

My country pay a high price in this kind of mentality, different than here in UK, Brazil kind of spread this ideal of the perfect human being even before the Americans, I grew up surround by women in their 40´s looking like they are in their 30´s, where the middle class has access to plastic surgery and there is no natural boobs in between women over 30!

Through the gay community the situation is bigger and global, I was never a super model, but I grew up taking the compliments about how cute I was but always subconscious about my looks, because we are educated to keep the eye in the competition, so be pretty is a social obligation, a wrinkle is a sin and put weight on is social death and doesn’t matter how pretty you are you always gonna think that something is wrong.

That got me thinking, WTF I really thought that when you born at least a bit attractive you don’t need to worry about your appearance, but it seams that more attractive you are the more concern you become about your own beauty, not only about ways to enhance it but in ways to keep as you grow older!

Last July 30 of 2010 I had a accident , I fell from a quite high stair case straight with my face on the concrete, the scene was ugly as I never saw so much of my own blood, they thought I broke my jaw but in the end is everything ok ,I just end up with some stitches inside and outside my mouth and of course swelled and bruised and besides a scar under my lips I will back to my every day face again soon.

The reason I wrote this entry was especially motivated from the people reaction on my face on the streets in the day after my accident when even with the pain I wanted to walk around and do some shopping to make me feel better. What for my surprise that even with the evident signs on my face that I was in a accident some people just reacted to me like I had some contagious disease or born deformity. ( even if was the case it just don’t justify )

Is funny (not really) like the treatment I got change so much accordance to my looks, even when I ask information for one guy in the train station (the same guy I usually ask information ever time I come to London) change completely and was barely rude ( note : even the not gay guys react different from a cute and not cute guy )

As I walk on the street the looks were divide in 3 categories: The people staring at me without blink (pretty uncomfortable) the people that saw me but had the kindness to try not look distress on my presence and the people who first look at me in disgust and then turn their head and change direction to not get close to me, that type I just wanted to beat and give them more bruises than my own.

So, if I was depress with my accident, that was the moment that I felt happy and lucky and in the same moment extremely in chock with our modern society, I had I quickly preview that what would be my life if my face was permanently affected and how sorry I am about those people that need to deal with that in the daily basis.

That made me think how luck I am not only because im normal but I not even needed to deal with problems that some normal people deal like obesity or prejudice because they not have the attractive face or body that our society accept like pretty.

I was never Brad Pitt but being cute was a part of my journey and yes made easier all aspects of my life and now being 34 represents the time when all that starting fading away, and im really glad that even I received the involuntary benefits of my looks I never really rely on it and after this situation I definitely fell comfortable on my own skin doesn’t matter how damage, wrinkle or out of fashion I may end up, I never lived my life under other people expectations and I don’t see a reason my face should to !

Steve Cavalcanti