DO YOU HOLD GRUDGES?

Just watched another episode of Being Erica, where she travels to the 70´s and watched her divorced parents full of love for each other and wonder what’s happen, why things changed? And that made me think about my own family and personal issues and why we hold grudges.

Like they always say: ever queer got a sad story to tell, well I think everybody in general got one, and if you don’t, bad for you because I think that is essential part in our lives to teach us about forgiving and forget.

I think forgive is the easiest part, forget is the hardest, our love for someone (doesn’t matter if is family or not) is what makes us forgive, is something you learn quick and does take a effort, see forgive as the wound and forget as the scar, I did operate my knees when I was 15 but today when I dress up I not even bother to use trousers (something that would never happen until I was 25) most of the time because I completely forget I have a scar over there that it will be visible if I use shorts, but not because I don’t bother anymore that means that my scar will disappear, always when I look down to my knees I will remember the hospital ,my problem with the anaesthetic and the months of recovery, as long the time goes by my memories about it keep getting painless ,but never goes away, and so is painful memories and the responsible people evolved !

When you are young you tend to judge too much of let it go to easily, in most of the cases we do both always in the wrong time and moment, be a teenager can be a traumatise experience, and coming from a dysfunctional family doesn’t help, or may help? Is really beautiful see people that have dental cream commercial families, where everything works, those families that lives in the other side of their street, where the grass are greener and their smiles are brighter, would you not ever thought about break all those lovely teeth and burn their spotless houses down? No? I did, is very easy when we are not happy with our lives stop looking at ourselves and start watching someone else, like my mother always says: “My son is gay, but the neighbour’s son is a queer”

One of the things I really appreciate about the Brits and Americans is their sense of patriotism, doesn’t matter how fuck up is their government they always find something good to keep their faith up, Brits hold in the past and Americans in their people spirit, unfortunately a major flaw in my own country is about the self believing department, they tend to think they have all the problems and here in UK or America is the paradise lost, part of that illusion is exactly because the way those countries choose to portrait themselves and exactly like a lie, when is told so many times it becomes true. In Brazil happen exactly the opposite, the spirit that “we are less and the others are more” cause the same domino effect making people from this country and others think the things over there are worse than actually is, and as usual the Brazilian people tend to blame someone or something else for that image, of course the media create the circus so they can sell a story, but where those stories start in the first place? Is like some British celebrities over here, after had pictures taken without underwear and making personal confessions to the papers and making reality shows of their personal lives they got stress from abusive interferences in their private lives or when the media start to dig all the rubbish from their past, but who they have to blame?

Keep twisting the knife around the wound it wont make it heal and it won’t punish who did it but definitely it will keep hurting you, so instead of accusing someone or something as excuse to justify why you are the way you are, why not just do something about it? And im not talking about revenge but taking better care of yourself so next time nobody or anything can hit you hard enough to left a mark.

I learned that I couldn’t hold grudges from people that did hurt me; of course they could be more careful or less selfish. You always do your best to not be rude, to not hurt other people feelings, but is essential to understand that some people just don’t give a fuck and others not even know they are doing it, so is it! Not fair, yes I know so is life, you can’t control what other people will do to you, but you can keep some control about how much damage that it will cause.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent – Eleanor Roosevelt

Some time ago I was extremely fit because someone I was in love was rude enough to tell me I was looking fat and flaccid and told me how good looking everybody else were, I took that as a challenge and I made myself more fitter than the guys he was talking about, you would say “cool, so it all worth it, right? Not really, turn myself fitter didn’t make him respect me better and because I didn’t get fitter because of me after one year with the problems I left the gym and my new eating habits and almost back to the same old chubby myself.

Doesn’t matter how the love making is great after a fight or how special he is sometimes, nothing justify someone treat you like shit and the only reason they do is because you allow it, doesn’t matter how disgraceful they are, that is one thing you can be sure it won’t change overnight and the question is, are you sure you want to be around until that “change” happen? I experience on flash that “old habits die hard” and if you allow yourself to forgive, for some people it means almost like a not spoken agreement that you are cool with that attitude and you can be sure that whatever is happening that makes you feel bad it will happen all over again!

Im a natural fighter, if I put my mind on something normally I get it, that attitude brought me in some wonderful situations but also made me suffer unnecessarily, the great balance in life is to know when takes no as a no and yes as a don’t.

Im current back to the gym, not to impress anyone but myself, doing in my own time, respecting my body, learning about nutrition and making this a real change of life style, after many years I stop completely to smoke and im not taking bulshit from anyone and learned that is not worth it hold grudges or play revenge because that means losing even more time with something that shouldn’t had my attention in the first place!

Is a difficult equation but with time we start to understand when is time to forgive, when is time to ignore because we never forget and if something did hurt you, im sorry to say but you may have something to do with it. Do something or stay still can be both terrible when is done in the wrong time!

Steve Cavalcanti

ALL THE IMAGES ON THIS BLOG ARE FROM PICTURES I TOOK FROM INTERNET AND CHANGED ON THE COMPUTER TO ILLUSTRATE THIS ENTRY